My healing journey began approximately 5 years ago. Of course, back then I would have told you I had nothing to heal because I was pretty confident I had a good life. The truth is, I was struggling with severe depression and anxiety which I attributed to a hormonal imbalance I was diagnosed with in my 20s. I blamed my hormones and my fertility issues for all of my problems. If I could just have a baby, it would all be fine. Imagine wanting to bring a baby into the world and already putting all of that pressure on it to be the source of my happiness!
When my partner and his son moved in with me, I was excited for the opportunity to parent. I planned birthday parties, vacations, and all sorts of adventures, only to be crushed every time I felt a hint of (what I perceived as) rejection from him. In my mind, he would never love me the way a “child of my own” would. And that was the problem. I was looking for a child to complete me. I was drinking pretty often, trying to numb out my own pain. Looking at it now, I was addicted to my own suffering. I struggled with insomnia and back pain. I was operating on 2-4 hours of sleep a night. I was constantly exhausted. After much research, I started taking cannabis oil for my insomnia and inflammation. It worked! I had a regular sleep schedule and I had my energy back. It significantly lowered my anxiety but I was still drinking. I was still putting up walls to protect myself. I was still blaming my hormones, my infertility, my boyfriend- anyone and anything- for my problems. Danny and I went to therapy together, I went to therapy alone, and nothing seemed to work. Our relationship was spiraling out of control. He couldn’t help me because he was busy fighting his own demons. We were going through what felt like our own personal hell.
In 2017, we were introduced to MDMA as relationship therapy. We would sit with it once a month or every 2 months and talk. It was fascinating how much we had to say to each other when our egos were peeled away for a few hours. We were vulnerable and honest with each other. We apologized and then forgave each other for so much. It was a huge turning point in our relationship. Having our egos removed showed us that the love we felt was always there. It was just our egos that kept getting in the way, putting up walls for protection when we didn’t really need them. But even though our relationship improved, we still weren’t facing our own inner issues.
Experiencing ‘Papa Huachuma’ aka San Pedro in the Andes Mountains.
Danny started talking to me about Ayahuasca and how it could reset my endocrine system, which could increase my chances of conceiving. I read up on it, watched videos and documentaries about it and I was terrified. I said no. But Mother Ayahuasca had other plans. Only a few months after that conversation, I met the person who would eventually become my mentor and friend. She followed her own guidance to a conference where a chance encounter in an elevator brought us together. She gifted me a copy of her personal journal, written during her first trip to Peru. I read the entire journal on my ride home the next day and immediately told Danny “we have to go to Peru.” It took 2 years for us to actually get there. It took intense shadow work, guided by our angel, Carla. I faced so many of my inner demons. I cleaned myself up as much as possible for my meeting with Mother Aya.
A couple of months before our trip to Peru, we sat in a mushroom ceremony. I had my very first encounter with Mother Ayahuasca. It seems she had some things to show me before Peru. Perhaps she sensed my despair, my hopelessness. Maybe she knew I was desperately in need of a sign that all of this work was leading me to my healing. I guess, as all mothers, she just knew. During that ceremony, she tore down all of my walls and allowed me to feel the vastness of love. She allowed me to embody her essence, to deliver a message to my love, and then to hold him in absolute love as he wept. Then, she allowed me to feel the weight of my soul throughout all of my lifetimes. For a moment, I thought I might just die. But she was there for me… she filled me with so much love that it brought me back to life.
Two months later, I arrived in Peru. During our first night in the Sacred Valley, we sat in a circle to open our 10 day ceremony. As our mentor drummed for us, we were instructed to set intentions. Leading up to the trip, I was sure my intention was to ask Mother for healing so that I could bring a child into the world. But as I sat there, listening to the vibrations of the drum, the only thing I felt was immense gratitude. I thanked Mother Ayahuasca and Maestra Olivia for calling me to Peru. I thanked them for every single experience that had led me to this moment. And then… I offered myself to be of service to them. That became my only desire and intention.
The next day, we sat with Papa Huachuma in the mountains. He connected me with Nature in a way I had never felt before. As I walked barefoot through a hail storm, I felt gratitude for the elements, for the trees, for the dirt, and the plants. I was grateful for the pebbles on the ground that at times dug deep into my feet, because they guided me to different paths. I fell in love with life again.
After a few more days of intense work, we were finally ready to sit with Mother Ayahuasca. I was worried about how I would react, meeting her directly. I had seen videos and heard stories. But she was so gentle and loving. I handed over all of the things that had been holding me down for years. I gave them to her as offerings and asked her to please help release me of their burden. She lovingly accepted and transmuted it all for me. She showed me things I had blocked out, but in her presence I felt nothing but love and appreciation for it all. She showed me my true power.
I could go on for days about all of the things I was shown, and have been shown since then. But I think I can sum it all up by saying that I exist now in a space of unlimited love. I AM love. I can see love as the core essence of life and all that we are. I can see others as a manifestation of love and I can fully appreciate their role in my life. Danny and I are TRUE partners now. We get to exist in a space of limitless love, and furthermore, Xander gets to receive the unlimited love that flows through us- without strings attached! That’s not to say that I am never angry, or hurt or annoyed. I most certainly am, because that is part of the experience I am here to live. But I can see beyond those emotions now. I can see how we all work together in this intricate web of life. I can appreciate the contrast in my life and those who create it. I am grateful beyond words for this magnificent existence… and I am thankful beyond measure for the amazing plants that have helped in my healing. To say that these plants have healed me is an understatement. They have each helped me to uncover my core wounds. As each one was exposed, these plants have helped me process them and release them. I can see myself now. The real me; the one without all of the walls and defense mechanisms. I am whole. I am beautiful. I am free. #ThankYouPlantMedicine ❤️